cryptotheism:

It is 1880s America, you are about to spawn as a Historically Significant White Guy. Choose a class:

TROUBLEMAKING FRONTIER PREACHER

• Special Power: Good Christian. Your vague adherence to American protestantism will ensure that law enforcement does not bother you whatsoever.
• Victory condition: Fuck enough of your followers wives to start an inbred theofascist micronation.

MANICALLY AMBITIOUS CON ARTIST

• Special Power: Basic Literacy. You’re poor, but you know how to read. They’ll never expect it. You may forge literally any document and it will be believed 100% of the time.
• Victory Condition: Steal enough money to fuck off to Latin America. A Spanish speaking nation might as well be the moon to your debtors.

EUROPEAN NOBLE FAILSON

• Special Power: Colonial Wealth. Your funny accent, foppish dress, and noble title, will make any American think you are totally good to buy it on credit.
• Victory Condition: Become the boytoy to the wife of some borderline-gangster politician and save up enough political capital to run for office and get addicted to opium.

DOOMED FRONTIER EXPLORER

• Special Power: How The Fuck Are You Alive. Your freakish diet of pork, whiskey, and maple syrup, makes you entirely immune to all physical injury and disease. Somehow.
• Victory Condition: You have one mission, and one mission only. You need to piss off some completely friendly natives. You need to piss them off so bad they leave your stupid ass to starve in a food forest they’ve been cultivating for literally thousands of years.

suskiss:

suskiss:

suskiss:

we’ve all heard of sfw sasuke but what about Nsfw sasuke?

I have some deeply troubling news for you abt the internet

okay we’ve both been funnier than each other once. were even now

beemovieerotica:

beemovieerotica:

revcleo:

radiofreederry:

lmao

Apparently this has the remaining chemists all in his menchies right now due to cis being a Latin term meaning “on the same side” I.e. Cis-alpine, cis-isomer etc.

my best friend from high school is a chemist and when he joined an LGBT group in college, the first question from the people there (for whatever insane reason) no context no lead-up was “cis or trans?”

and he, as a good chemist was like “oh trans of course” (“because it’s more stable” he said to me later) and the people were like “yay cool!” and he hung out with them for MONTHS with them thinking he was either a trans girl or trans guy (he is neither, just very short and ambiguous). until it came up again when someone was like “wow cool we’re all transgender at this table” and he’s like “but I’m not???”

they got very upset and accused him of lying to them to join the group?? (he is gay) and then he remembered that very first conversation and was like, oh motherfucker.

this is the same friend who got hit on by a lesbian in Toys R Us because she thought he was a butch girl. until he was like “oh yeah I’m getting a gift for my boyfriend” and she was like, “oh my god I’m so sorry, I thought you were gay!!”

and he’s like, “I am…”

and she goes “…you mean, you’re bisexual?”

and he goes “…no…just gay…”

and this back and forth continues until it slowly dawns on them both that this girl completely mistook his gender and she is so DEEPLY mortified. and my friend starts trying to console her like “oh well I admire your gumption, you’re very brave for asking me out, never give up!!”

trashworldblog:

powerburial:

theinformationcollector:

TIL Many haunted houses have been investigated and found to contain high levels of carbon monoxide or other poisons, which can cause hallucinations. The carbon monoxide theory explains why haunted houses are mostly older houses, which are more likely to contain aging and defective appliances.

via reddit.com

correlation is not causation, ghosts are drawn to poison and weakened minds

dadvans:

dadvans:

dadvans:

true story

me for the first 33 years of my life: my dad used to say “what would happen if you woke up on the titanic?? think about it” when he was tucking me in at night from at least age 5 and up, a form of psychological torture

me in my 33rd year of life: my dad optimistically thought i would have $250k to blow on something stupid by now and shut that shit down at the jump in the 90s

this was his response 5 seconds later

dovefawn:

mizunotic:

phoenixonwheels:

paddysnuffles:

mostly-funnytwittertweets:

And if you’re into women instead of men, I have some great news: the same technique applies for seducing autistic women!

You can in fact use this method to seduce autistic people of all genders!

It literally once took me 15 years to realize someone was asking me out. You read that right—YEARS. Please feel free to be very direct when asking autistic people out.

is there another way to do it that i’m missing ?

zoethebitch:

idk man Clarence Thomas pulling the ladder up behind him striking down affirmative action yesterday, the fucking gay wedding web design ruling wasn’t even real it was hypothetical someone really said well no one has asked me to design a website for their gay wedding but if they did wouldn’t that be fucked up and the court just went whoa yeah that’s so fucked we can’t let that happen, and then they’re like well we’ve all been receiving bribes worth hundreds of thousands of dollars for years but we can’t forgive 20k worth of student loan debt that’s just crazy… like everything is just so absurd I can’t really wrap my mind around it

mostly-funnytwittertweets:

witchstone:

died and came back wrong <- became deeply depressed at age 12 and never fully recovered